I see a few people visiting my page here and there since the new year and I thank you all for being patient and kind to let me take some time to gather myself and my thoughts.
I took some time off from writing over the Christmas holidays to enjoy my days with family and friends. I was on such a high and thought I really had my shit together but then that high came to halt. I sank into a space I hadn’t been for quite some time and realized I needed to take time to regroup and recharge. It’s important to talk to others but this time I needed to have a talk with myself. And for me a low is just having a few bad ass days where I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself!! I have worked really hard to shorten the amount of time I give myself to have bad days. Life is too short , I refuse to not spend it with a smile on my face. So I try my best to find that switch and carry on!
Was it the long winter days ? Was it that Christmas sucks spending it solo ? Was it that I was the energizer bunny for months on end and my battery was finally on its last breath? I had to stop and figure my shit out !!
For the people that know me or have gotten to know me realize that I’m pretty independent. I spend a lot of time alone and often get the call post summit pic.. “you should have texted me , I would have come hiking with you !“
Oops .. eek … sorry !!!
I’m seriously so terrible! I just have a thought and a last minute burst of energy and there I am off to hike some nearby mountain not thinking I should make some calls.
I find it relaxing, therapeutic and refreshing to head out solo! Out there I get to decide what I want when I want and no one to tell me I can’t. Do I run it ? do I walk it? do I do all the above, reach the top and do it all over again because once just wasn’t enough ? Those moments are just for me, I don’t have to wait for anyone , I can go as hard as I want and as far as I want! My thoughts are running wild and it’s out there that I can let it all out and find some of the answers I was looking for. Once I reach the top I completely forget what was bothering me in the first place, find my smile and carry on with my day !! Whether it’s hiking or headed out on the trail with my horse , this is where I find peace and the power to turn off the poor me switch.
( giants head mountain-Summerland bc)
So please don’t take it personally.. I love you all dearly but a girl like me needs a little time alone, it may seem weird to some but to me its completely normal. Don’t get me wrong I want someone to walk through life with .. to take in all the moments I’ve seen and the places I’ve been. That would seriously mean the world to me . But I don’t have anyone so I’m not just going to sit back and not live my life!! I believe being able to be independent and have the courage to do things solo shows a sign of strength. Hopefully someone, one day will embrace that about me .. accompany me and understand the little world I’ve had to create for myself. When you don’t have any other choice you make due and make shit happen! Solo or not ..I refuse to put my goals and dreams on hold.
Is that intimidating? Hard for someone to understand and accept? Well maybe, but I can’t change who I am and I shouldn’t have to !
Leading up to Christmas all I wanted was to escape. I love my family and friends more than anything, but seriously if I could have hiked out and spent a week in the middle of nowhere … my heart and soul would have felt so complete.
My chest felt heavy and my head was so clogged of thoughts I could hardly even think! I was so confused and so disappointed in myself for feeling the way I was. Here I was putting myself out there and getting this amazing response from friends and complete strangers. People writing me about how much I helped them and inspired them through difficult times, showing them the courage to get out and see the world!! It was absolutely touching and it was one of the most amazing feelings!!
I felt this overwhelming fear that I couldn’t show people where I was mentally in that moment. I had come so far and broken down so many walls. But I had to remind myself that it I was ok to show it! It wasn’t anything huge .. I was just a little down and honestly feeling quite sorry for myself really. I needed more than anything to get myself out of the funk I was trapped in. I needed to do something special for myself, being single I take the time to do that more often. In my past I put a lot of things on hold and I refuse to do that again.
What to do about it …
Why not start by planning my next tattoo? If you have never had a tattoo then you won’t get when I say .. a little pain can make the pain go away. There is something so addictive and healing about getting ink work done. So I headed in for a consult to see my talented friend Kai (@cobra_kai). Since the other pieces he had completed for me in the summer I was getting the itch to finally get my back started! Kai messaged me to come in and talk ideas. My mind was set .. it was time to make it happen. We went over some plans and I was stoked to leave it in his gifted hands and knew he would come up with something amazing and perfect for me. He asked what other pieces I was wanting knowing damn well this one wasn’t the end for me ! I mentioned getting “Stay Wild” on my arm. A tattoo I felt I finally earned after the progress I made and goals I had completed up to this point.
“When do ya want that ?” Kai
“Um how about now ?” Me
“Um yup .. yay fun .. tattoo day !!” Kai
Me .. sporting a big ass smile of course, I was freaking pumped!
It was unexpected, unplanned and exactly what my soul needed at that time! I live for spontaneity so this made it 10x more special to me. For that short amount of time my mind and body can finally escape. I lay there thinking of nothing but each stroke the tattooist is making, it’s honestly an out of body experience I can’t quite explain. After I leave I feel like I just reached a summit… adrenaline running through my veins and my body feels alive again. I was beyond stoked to get back in a few weeks to start the next piece. Just you wait till you see my back … Sorry but thats another story for another day.
Before I knew it, Christmas had arrived. My family made me feel so loved and so not alone. I seriously don’t know what I would do with out them! A year ago I was hiding something terrible from them all, sat there with a smile on my face like always and was forced to act like nothing was wrong. So this year I was free of that heaviness over me and I could wake up with nothing but positive energy around me and finally enjoy my most favourite holiday. That morning with them all was absolutely perfect and I felt bad thinking only a week before I had wanted to escape and run away to the middle of nowhere. It had nothing to do with them at all, it was only a feeling and an intense need I had deep inside. So they understood when I said I needed to escape and get out on a little solo adventure, even if it was only for a day.
( pincushion mountain-peachland bc)
I threw on my pack and headed up the hill. Sun was out and I was absolutely pumped to get to the top! It was such a gorgeous day .. middle of December and I’m hiking in a freakin T-shirt, could it get any better ?? Tucks and I cruised straight up… running where I could, my heart was feeling lighter and my thoughts clearer the harder I pushed myself! We had the trail to ourselves and the stillness was just what my heart needed! Like any hike I’m on, it’s the rush and the intense feeling of accomplishment that’s just so unexplainable. Am I a bit obsessed? … yes .. do you call it an addiction? ..yup probably! But if I’m going to be an addict this is definitely the way to do it !! With anything I do its always .. ” go big or go home” I can’t half ass anything. If it becomes a passion of mine I will only give it my all.
Tucks and I killed the trail. It’s only a short run up to the top but I was happy to just be out doing what I love ! Moments later I made it to the viewpoint and my heart exploded! I took the deepest breathe and just like that my soul let go of the heaviness I was carrying around for weeks. As I stood there I was reminded how amazing my life was and how lucky I was to have the strength to venture out and make shit happen for myself! That moment, that view was all mine, I will always remember that day, that exact moment.
Sometimes life doesn’t go the way we planned so I have changed my way of thinking this past year. I stopped planning my life and instead set out to complete dreams and crush goals. I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and simply take it day by day. Go with the flow and embrace everything that’s put in front of me. The ups and downs have made me stronger and I am truly loving the person I have morphed into. Fears have turned into challenges that I openly accept and I am so ready to face them all !
We are not born to be alone. But sometimes not all of us have the chance to find that path yet and for others that have please let little souls like mine be.. let us take our journey and be ok with that! My path is different and I’m happy with the way it’s taking me. If there is something I want damn straight I’ll go for it but for now I want everything to take its course and live naturally and as organically as I can!
The unknown is beautifully exciting…..so for now solo it is and I look forward to to embracing the journey ahead of me.